fatty145

02:35 pm: Ok
Tomorrow is the last day of the month, new month is starting so my new goal is starting as well. I am holding around 136-137, period is coming but I am going to get under 135 this month, thats my only goal right now. Anything under 135 then I will go from there. By X-Mas I am thinking 130 or under, under is what I am really shooting for but I dont want to set myself up for failure.

NOV under 135
X-mas under 130

New Yr 125


Ok this is it, my goals for the rest of the yr. I managed to get under 145, then under 140, so I need to get serious again and keep going. I dont think my goals are out of reach at all. I would like to do it quicker and more weight lose but I know thats not going to happen, so I am keeping it real LOL.


I got news that family, cousins are coming for x-mas. I have not seen them in many many years and am so excited. We are going to have a girls night out, I don't want to be the "fat girl" in the group if you know what I mean. I really need to get down before then, I don't want to be surrounded by skinny girls and my whole family commenting on how skinny they are and how fat I am. They are family but they don't know that when they say those things, it hurts. Its embarrassing. Not like I am as big as my sister but they don't seem to say much to her. She had a baby a while ago, but she gained the weight long before that and they still don't say anything.

So I need tips, my weight is around my waist. My legs aren't too bad, thighs need some work. Butt isn't too bad, upper arms are flabby. I have been doing weights and started sit-ups. Going to do them everyday until x-mas, I got a calander to mark it down so I can see it everyday and make myself feel guilty if I dont.

Whats good to eat, I can't go without food. I like eggs but damn the gas is horrible...sorry but does anyone else get that from egg whites? Anything else I can munch on?

11:43 am: eh
I went out with my aunt and cousin, we drank fruity drinks all night and danced until early morning. I know I burned some good calories that night, the next day however I was so sick. I couldn't eat or drink all day. I weighed 133! Of course I knew it wouldn't last once I could eat again and it didn't, but it sure was nice to see. I am back up of course, hanging around 136. I am trying not to eat much this week. I have a party to go to with my cousin and we are dressing in skimpy little outfits. Her idea of course, because she is like 98 fucking pounds! I hate when people do that, she knows damn well I will look like a beached whale next to her, does she feel better doing that to me? Sometimes I wonder.
My (gay) guy friend is still losing weight by eating a little less. Pisses me off, we went out Sunday and he ate and ate. Then during the week he is eating salad with chicken, croutons and lots of dressing. He wont eat just one he eats like 3. Then has chicken on top of that. And still loses! ARG

But I am still going full steam ahead. I am staying under 140 and I intend to get under 135 SOOOOOON!!!!!!

11:45 am: AAAARRRRRRGGGGGGG
I woke up in a good mood, then I get a call. I have this friend Eric, he is gay and always into his looks, as most of them are. We are bestest friends but he pissed me off. He has been eating less because he gained a lot of weight over the yrs, he has been eating good for one week. One fucking week and is down 4 pounds. He called to tell me he was so happy, I wanted to hang up on him. ITS NOT FAIR! I eat barely anything and usually throw up if I feel my stomach even part way full. I feel smaller but the scale dont say I am any lighter, yet he drops it so fast and easy. Why is it that guys can do this? And why do I feel so much smaller but the scale dont seem to move?

Sorry for the blah post, just feel stuck in a rut

09:13 am: Hmmm.......UHG..........Hmmmmm
Well no weightloss :( , still holding around 146ish. I have been eating really good, yesterday I had yogurt for breakfast, munched on raw green beans and tomatoes for lunch, salad and a small potato for dinner. I feel like my stomach is shrinking and my clothes are a bit loose. But WHY WHY WHY wont any weight loss show on the scale. I am obsessed with it, why I dont know. I feel better and my clothes fit better and my tummy is a bit down but for some reason, the scale needs to show me.
Regardless of what it shows I am still going to keep this up. I do feel smaller. Trying not to eat or eat as little as I can.

Off to read how you girls are doing.......

11:44 am: :)
I think I am actually losing weight. I have been living on raw green beans, creamy tomato soup (which is awesome I must say) and sometimes fish. I wake up and eat a Activia, and they weren't lying in the commercials, they are good and they help you go! lol
Then for lunch its tomato soup and for dinner if I eat its more soup or veges. Now and then I might have a sliver of pizza or a half of the tiny hersheys bars. I can't just deprive myself or I will go nuts and give in. For snacks I eat peanuts, I crave the salt sometimes. And I am not a big chip person (thank god) so that helps. I made some hard boiled eggs the other day and those filled me up.
Today is the second, and for me the worse day of my period. I weighed 137 this morning and for me thats amazing because this is when I usually weigh a ton. Last night at the end of the day when you usually weigh the most I was 136, so I thought this morning there might be a glimmer of hope that I would finally be under 135, but nope. I then realized that I was on my period and at this time I am usually around 138 - 139 ish. So considering that, I will wait until next week to see if I am down more. 136 last night made me happy. So I went to the store and got a bunch more soup for this weekend. Did some running on the treadmill and some weights. I got back to doing sit ups again too.
I JUST HAVE TO STICK TO IT AND NOT GIVE UP!

135 or under thats all I ask .................for now. Then 130 and under. My longer goal is 125. But I don't want to jump too far ahead. All I was is to see that scale go to 134 or under, thats it!!!!!

03:02 pm: BLAHHHHH
How I hate the week before a period, the bloat and weight gain makes me feel like I am working for nothing. My clothes get all tight and I feel like a huge cow. I keep telling myself it will go away but then I look and feel horrible.
Today I had two eggs scrambled with soy milk mixed in, its nearly 3 in the afternoon and I am waiting to eat until dinner. Who knows where that will be, tonight is eating out with friends night. I am going to try and make good decisions like salad or shushi, all depending on where we end up. Last time we went for steak, my weakness. I didn't eat the sweet potato I usually do, nor the bread and when the girls ordered desert, I had 1 bite! Thats all, I took the rest home and threw it away.

So hopefully I can stay strong tonight, although when my period is coming I have a huge appetite UGH

09:35 am: Whew
Ok I went and read some journals and now I don't feel like the only fat loser, seems other people slip and have not got to their goals weights either. So I feel somewhat better. Someone posted a post and asked everyone to put how many pounds they want to lose by December 1st, I put 15-20. So from now until then I will keep track and update progress, I said earlier I would make goals until I was under 135 but maybe I need goals to help me stay motivated.

09:12 am: Its been a while since I updated, lifes been a roller coaster. I am still under 140, been staying around 136 but next week is period time so I am gaining some. I seem to write around my period time I noticed, guess its because I am moody and need to vent?

I am eating good but sometimes I slip like last night, why does my aunt bring over food? Its not like we need food in the house. I think she is just lonely and needs to be needed for something and her lasagna is sooooo good. I couldn't help myself. I threw up afterwards, I am trying not to do it but sometimes I have to. I am eating more fruit & Veges but the weekends around my house is hard, family is home and relatives come and everything revolves around food. This week I am going to really try and just stick to fruit & veges all week, I have still yet to see 134 on the scale, for now thats my goal. I can't think of anything past there because I haven't yet been there. Until then the rest of my goals will have to wait.

But I will say if I get under 135, by Halloween I want to be 130. I don't think thats too much to ask. 5 pounds this month, its doable

08:50 am: life sucks
136 now, yes a shitty life helps to not eat. I haven't felt like doing much, when I do feel like it my boyfriend always has some lame excuse for not wanting to do anything. But of course he will be the first to go with his friends, then complain about us and our boring life. Who cares at this point. I am so ready to move on.

03:03 pm: well
138 today, my period ended yesterday so I am hoping that a pound or two will drop off from water weight too as the bloat goes away. Well one can hope. I still have no appetite so its been easy not to eat at all. When I do its something so small.
I wish my life was better then it is, I wish people did for me what I did for them but thats not the case, but I know who really cares. I know the one who always offers help and who has been there for me through all the years. That makes me happy, I could never imagine life without him.

My boyfriend and his friends went out again, I was so happy he left so I could be in peace. He actually thought I would care if he went out, why bother. If he stays home we don't do anything at all. But yet he will do things with friends. So I am better off alone. I already plan to move out, its just getting my self together then I am so outta here. Maybe then he will appareciate what I did for him. Doubt it.

I am going to stay on this way of eating, at least at long as I can. I am not hungry ever, I nibble every other hour on a tomato or beens or fruit. I just hope I can drop another 6-7 pounds so easily. If I were in the 120's, not that would be something.

09:28 am: 139 this morning
Have you ever heard of the saying "watch what you wish for", well after this week that saying has meaning to me. I lost 6 pounds so far this week, but this week has been the worse week by far. I watched something really bad happen this weekend and I just can't help but think. I lost weight but the rest of my life has gone to shit. I have no appetite and just live on fruit and veges. I should be starting my period within a day or two so I am shocked to see the scale so low. Well 139 is low for me. Usually I am at 146 or so by now with the water gain and bloat. So I wonder if I might be a little lower now. hmmm

Well after a couple days I will repost with the horrible event I had to see and post my weight as soon at the period is gone.

I sure hope you guys are having a better week then I did, but today is a new week so I am hoping for the best. Please wish me luck!

*hugs*

09:20 am: Ok
140 this morning! Not good but getting better. Plus my period is this week so the bloat is starting. Today seems to be an ok day but I am not eating. I have a tomato and potatoe left if I need to eat. Those are small and filling and not fattening. Well potatoes are but its so small, like the size of an egg. So its not bad.
Goal by next weekend at this time....133 at least!

07:48 pm: Well
Food today

Breakfast: few bites of a tomato with some italian dressing coffee with fat free cream
Lunch: none
Dinner: 2 baby plain potatoes


Today was the worse day of the week, everyday gets worse and worse for me. I am afraid to get up tomorrow and see whats in store for me. But this depression diet is working, who knew.

I feel so miserable that I cant eat. At night my stomach growls so bad but I don't have any appetite what so ever.

If the reaper dont get me tomorrow I will post, I hope and pray tomorrow goes better. This has been the worse week of...forever. My boyfriend is such a selfish dickhead, he says shit to me and treats me so bad. I can't wait until I leave and he gets a girlfriend that rips his heart out. He forgets all his past girlfriends and how they treated him but he will get back to reality soon. I am just mad that I gave so much of myself to be treated like shit in the end. Does anyone appreciate anything anymore. And where do asshole guys get off trying to tell us what we can do and what we can't. If they want Mrs Cleaver then they should of went to the library or supermarket to meet them. I am independant and will not be told what I can do. I already had a father.

Ah, feel somewhat better thanks!

06:38 am: Pain and Depression
The subject words are not words that I would normally use to describe myself, that was before. Now a days it seems like the first two words that come to mind. Followed my loneliness and maybe some frustration.
I am living with someone who clearly could care less that I am alive. I am blamed for everything, but instead of talking to me I get the silent treatment. I feel so alone. Things in my life right now are horrible, work is bad, relationship is bad and everything else around me. I am at a all new low. I haven't even felt like eating, my stomach growled last night as I went to sleep. I have been eating things like tomatoes, fish or shrimp. Sometimes I throw up. The migraines are getting so bad, two yesterday.
I started thinking, what if I had a tumor and died suddenly. Would anyone care at all. I mean my Mom comes over the other day and tells me she had a dinner for the family, my brothers and sisters, their wifes and kids. Then she says as if it was funny, your sister asked where you were and I said I forgot to call you........?!?!?!.......as if I wouldn't care at all. She laughed about it. I thought to myself, do I have a sign on me somewhere that says NO FEELINGS?
People says things to me and if I have no feelings, they treat me as if I dont. I treat people way better then the way I get treated, and frankly I am getting sick of it. For instance, my boyfriend spent the last 2 days not speaking to me, I still make his dinner every night. Its things like that, that nobodys does for me.
I dont think losing weight will be too hard right now since I feel depressed and food just isn't a "friend" now. I have had very little in the last two days but, I didn't notice that my pills are running out and my period is coming sooner then I thought. I don't feel the usual bloat coming yet. So I might have lost a few more pounds then I think I did. We'll see though. Actually right now, I could care less. I did however just read someones post that made me sad but was so true, they said something about wanting to starve so their parents see they are sick and need help. I understood about wanting others to see your pain on the outside since they ignore the pain on the inside. Thats my goal. I want everyone to see my bones and my body wasting away, so they can see the hurt they caused. Maybe then will someone finally pay attention to my feelings.

I know life gets better but, it don't feel like it ever will.

01:21 pm: I feel like shit
Well the diet pill idea just made me sick. For some reason I can not take those without eating even more or getting sick to my stomach. I threw up a few times this weekend, that seems to be the only thing that makes me feel better. I don't even pig out, I eat a normal size meal.
I just need to lose this weights, so its back to the drawing board. And trying not to eat.

03:46 pm: Ok
I dug out my Cylaris pills I got, I put them away because I hate taking those when I sit all day at work. But I am going to start taking them to see if I can change this situation. Plus workout and eat less. I need to try something!

03:31 pm: I hate myself
Why can't I lose 25 pounds? You know why, because I am a lazy fat pig!
I went on my trip, was bloated and on my period. Had to swim and be in a bathing suit in front of everyone, that was humiliating to say the least.
My friends wanted to eat at the most horrible places, I don't mean it was bad I mean it was so good, too good to have healthy choices. So of course I ate. We did a lot and only had lunch and dinner, so I dont think I had anymore food then I normally would have. I tried to eat small portions. I think I am at 143 though. I can't even believe I was around 135 at one time, I need to step it up. Thats the only way I will get there. I need to exercise. Eating good and healthy is a good goal but so unrealistic in this day and age. There are days I can get away with it but others that I can't. I am not going anywhere this way. I need to get back on the treadmill or get to the gym again.

Damn its depressing

09:22 am: Hmmmm
I woke up this morning all ready to get on here and complain about my night/dinner but then I jumped on the scale and it said 141 !!
Last night the plan was to go to my friends and that we would eat leftover shish kabob, all those veges would of been great. BUT NO, our other friend Sarah showed up unexpected and all the plans went out the window. She insisted we go get a P'Zone, for those of you that dont know what that is, its a big fat pizza roll from Pizza Hut. Packed with nothing bu fat!
I was not happy, so I nibbled. I ate half of it and then went back to my friends and as they sat outside I threw up most of it. When I was there eating I looked around and all there was were giant fat people stuffing their face. People in this country are enormous!

But 141 is a good number today, that is very close to 139 which is under 140 and thats what I have to reach. So I have my fish for lunch and tonight dinner is whatever I choose. I am not going out, at least thats the PLAN. I will do my weights again too.

I have 1 week to lose weight......only 1 week!

Well im off to read your journals!

02:29 pm: YES!
I did it, I stood up to temptation today and I won! At lunch as I was waiting for my fish to cook, I was getting so hungry and started looking through the freezer and cabinets. Thank god someone ate all the chips...whew! I did grab a mini pizza, then seen the calories of 400 and something and put it right back! I grabbed some cherry tomatoes and ate a handful and that worked. I ate my fish, califlower, brocolli all with lemon juice and drank my V8.
So far so good, but will I see any kind of lose this week, doubtful since I am starting to feel bloated and blah. I just gotta keep in mind that next week when my period is done the scale will be more accurate.

Dinner tonight was worrying me, I am going to my friends and she wanted to go out or bbq hamburgers and fattening crap. So instead when she said there was plenty of leftover shish kabobs, I said yes that will work! I can fill my plate with all the green peppers (she hates them) and very little meat. Mushrooms and tomatoes, that should be pretty healthy I would think. So I am releaved. Until another day..............

08:14 am: Here goes.....
Yesterdays lunch was good, the bowl full of grilled green peppers and tomatoes. It kept me full for most the day until around 3pm, why why WHY did I go to the fridge. I ate two small pieces of cold pizza. I was so mad at myself, so mad that I told myself that was my dinner and that I wasnt going to eat the rest of the day and you know what, I DIDNT!! YAY for me.
I instead went out and washed my car and it was hot, then I went 1.30 miles and sweated like a pig. Then I got a V8 for my snack around 9pm.

Today I have my fish all ready to make for lunch, today I will not make the same mistake again, plus the pizza is gone thank god.

Oh I went on fitday and put in these Curve bars that I got for breakfast, what bullshit the box says 100 calories per bar but once I put in all the values of fat and things the calories came up WAAAAY higher then that. I am not buying this shit anymore. I am going to stick to the old tride and true, oatmeal or veges. Things I know there are not hidden calories and fat in. You can go wrong with fruit & veges.